Your week 6 conference rankings

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It’s Thursday. There’s no time for romancing this one by taking it out to dinner and having small talk. Lot’s of stuff happened in college football last week, so we’re going straight back to the place.

1. SEC: We’re splitting hairs here with this conference and the Pac-12. The SEC probably has more exceedingly mediocre teams than the Pac-12, but right now it also looks like it might have more elite ones. So, whereas the Pac-12 went all Mean Girls on one another and started sabotaging each other, the SEC mostly just exposed that Ole Miss could be elite, Texas A&M is like a person that’s really nice but can’t stop going to McDonald’s daily (metaphor for good, but still forever terrible at defense), and Alabama can be beaten this year. And the East still stinks.

Best win: Ole Miss over Alabama. I’m a firm believer in “your conference is better when it’s deep” rather than “we have two teams that can pound anyone and the rest is somewhat sad.” Ole Miss just adds another team to the potential playoff mix. Also, Alabama hasn’t beaten a ranked team in over a year. Put “Indiana” in place of “Alabama” and we probably have a different view.

Worst loss: Tennessee to Florida. It’s not that either team makes the conference look bad, but man, Tennessee seems like it just drank from the fountain of mediocrity years ago and now has resorted to bathing in it. You’ve got to get this Florida team at home.

2. Pac-12: I don’t necessarily think it’s bad when teams in the conference show depth and actually beat one another like some people do. That said, the two most presumed elite teams went down at home, and your team that normally is hell for everyone lost out of conference on a fourth-and-11 play it couldn’t stop. On the upside … they’re not obese, drink from no fountains, and are not Will Muschamp.

Best win: Oregon State over Colorado. We know OSU is okay, but Colorado, which has been tepid bath water the past few years in terms of ferocity, went Ward Cleaver and refused to take it easy on the Beavs. It adds to the theory that the Pac-12 has no team that’s really terrible this year.

Worst loss: USC to Arizona State. Anytime you lose on a Hail Mary, it’s like coming home with a bottle of wine and flowers to surprise your girlfriend and she’s on the couch with some other guy, opening a bottle from the six-pack you left yourself in the fridge for the night.

3. Big 12: There was bloodshed here too, but it wasn’t the hatched job, final scene in Evil Dead (the remake) that the Pac-12 was. At least in Oklahoma going down, it was to unbeaten TCU, which only adds another cog to the machine of strength. The downside? TCU isn’t named “Oklahoma” or “Texas” and the polls punish the Frogs for it. The good part? Polls don’t freaking matter anymore. Nee ner.

Best win: TCU over Oklahoma. Give respect where it’s due, even if it wears purple and somewhat awful-looking helmets. Respect has no fashion style. It needs Tim Gunn.

Worst loss: Texas Tech to Kansas State. The Red Raiders are awful. Short of Brady Hoke, has any other coach come in this year looking like he could have a big season and then flopped harder than Kliff Kingsbury? I mean, when your defensive coordinator is resorting to alleged substance abuse just having to watch film …

4. B1G: Whereas at the top there was a reference to Mean Girls, metaphorically eating one another alive for the personal gain of each person or team (which is how it should be), the B1G goes against the grain: the flaccid step aside and let the bigger, badder teams cut them in the lunch line with regularity and then pay the difference if said line cutters want an extra slice of pizza.

Best win: Michigan State over Nebraska. Nebraska made a game of it, and there’s no shame in going into East Lansing and coming out having made a game of it instead of completely being demoralized.

Michigan Game: Michigan lost to Rutgers. Like I said last week, there’s really no point in categorizing it “worst loss” when it’s basically going to be the same team every week. Illinois tried hard with a loss to Purdue, but the Illini don’t have the on-roster talent to be tossing around such ineptitude and winning awards for the sadness of it.

5. ACC: You know why I like the ACC? You know what you’re getting from it. It’s that rare relationship where you have open communication and no games. The teams that are supposed to win typically win and do it handsomely. The teams that stink don’t try stepping out of the box to mess everything up. Just stay in your lane. Don’t try weaving in and outta traffic.

Best win: Georgia Tech over Miami. I have literally nothing to say about this game, or the fact that GT is somehow unbeaten.

Worst loss: North Carolina to Virginia Tech. The Tar Heels got smoked, trying to join Michigan and Tennessee (but NOT YOU ILLINOIS!) as eternally talented teams that can always spike any bowl of punch with a handle of “mediocre,” which is roughly the same proof as Watermelon Pucker.

The Perception 3 Big Games of the Weekend

1. Ole Miss @ Texas A&M
2. Oregon @ UCLA
3. USC @ Arizona